I’ll admit, I always laugh in the face of resolutions, probably always will. However, a month ago, I began writing more often, publishing and not insisting on the whole world knowing my name. I began jotting down notes as soon as they appeared rather than stifling them, reading the work of others avidly and listening to my streams of consciousness, as more than the whisperings of a mad woman. My goal this year is to be happy – not superficially and temporarily, but truly, honestly and independently. One way to achieve this through doing something I love more than once a month – writing. Today is begins, here I am choosing to write a page a day; a page of confidence or consciousness.
Today I shed my skin. This year sees me joining a new school and as the new term fast approaches it was time to peel away old layers and wash myself clean of the past. Old files have been pulled from an expiring email account, brief goodbyes have been uttered and for the rest of this day my eyes will be fixed firmly on what’s next. There is just one last rite of passage – cleaning my car. I’ve been a lazy commuter, one happy to sit in a tin box of filth – it would take too long to calculate how long it has been since I washed it last. Today, it too sheds the filmy, muddy skin it has gained. I hope it is a cathartic experience, shedding the hundreds of journeys I’ve made this year. The inside has seen tears, laughter and daydreams. Today, we both start anew. I just hope it won’t be so long until I clean it again…
One positive of being an English teacher is the opportunity to discover and revisit some of the greatest literature ever written. However, often I have found myself struggling to marry my love of reading with my love of creating. Nights spent pouring over books have been for lessons not intellectual curiosity or from a love of reading. When I first began teaching I was praised for my passion and enthusiasm. Of late this has left my classroom, slid beneath the door – leaving my person entirely. That is, until I took up the pen again. Passion is all too easy to lose in times of doubt. I hope to rekindle it and re-energise my teaching too.
At times pieces I write are not popular but I’m proud of them all the same. Anything I write has always been private, rarely influenced by anyone who might read it. However, after finding a new lease on life through writing again, competitions have loomed into view. On one hand, writing for a purpose is enjoyable, it drives the pen. On the other hand, I find myself shifting uncomfortably, at a loss for words as these competitions choose to dictate the lines and images. And I wonder if submitting to a panel of people has the same rush as sharing online – where success or pride come swiftly. I should clarify success – it isn’t view or likes, it is the pride in not keeping it private, putting myself out there and when a ‘like’ does appear, I know somewhere, someone has enjoyed, or laughed or agreed, or smiled knowingly. Still, I end this torn between what direction I should continue to move.
It’s the final holiday frontier. The calm before the storm. These last few days have been of pjs and preparation, tomorrow it is back to work. I’m apprehensive as I’ll be the new girl. It is inevitable it will be difficult, which unnerves me. The decision I made to move on was honestly the best I’ve ever made. Although I’m scared, for once I’m not uncomfortable like I’ve been before. I’m the new girl yes, but I’ll be five minutes from home, around faces I already know and in the place I’ve secretly always wanted to go.
“I know not all that may be coming; but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing” – Herman Melville. This is highly relevant as day one as the new girl. I’ll be a sponge for names and faces, routines and regulations. My focus is on making Monday as easy as possible. Late last year I realised it is not about being accepted into the fold but prioritising my own goals. Three weeks ago I was living my work, this time I swear it’ll be different (famous last words?).
I fell asleep with a migraine and woke up feeling under the weather. Yet, I dressed and I showered. I’ve been left to my own devices in my new place of work, which creates a conundrum in the human mind. Freedom is a confidence booster, unsettling and unchartered. Recently, I was told resilience is living with unhappiness and negativity. I’m beginning to see resilience as a different beast, one which deals and leads change. Resilience is trusting yourself to do what’s best.